My new fail proof plan to make millions of dollars by doing close to nothing.

OK: So we went to a baseball game up in Syracuse. A minor league team called the Chiefs. While sitting in the sweet box seats we had and sipping my beer, it all hit me: I knew how to make millions by doing little to no work. And I could continue to collect by simply placing my hand out and letting the cash monies come to me.

I only need to write a song or jingle that is similar to or representative of one of these:

Wild Thing, by Chip Taylor and made popular by The Troggs

Come and Ride the Train, by the Quad City DJs

Sandstorm, by Darude (though I’m sure my electronica/techno self has left the building with the conclusion of Middle School graduation)

Sweet Caroline, by Neil Diamond

Any song on any of the Jock Jams compilations

Do you catch my drift yet? I need to write one song, or yanno, 30 seconds of a song, that can be played at sporting events for the rest of all time. Hell, until the earth stops spinning. Then, I can sit back and collect my residuals while living in a nice-but-cozy small mansion on the shore of the Hamptons. Then I would attend certain said sporting events and be like, “Oh hey! There’s my song! Those were the days…” while my beer carried me back to the reminiscent days of my former song writing.

Look, I don’t know who the hell wrote “Take Me Out to the Ballgame,” and frankly, I don’t care. But I can tell you one thing – that one song financially solidified that artist’s life for…well, life.

Sign me up.

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